You’re not being a people pleaser because you genuinely want to help… you’re probably saying yes because the thought of being disliked, misunderstood, or labeled makes you uncomfortable. Let’s be clear: people pleasing isn’t a noble act. On the surface, it looks like kindness, but underneath, it’s usually fear, ego, and/or a desire to control how others see us.

In psychology, people pleasing is a form of impression management… which is a strategy to control the perceptions people have of you. You might tell yourself you’re being “nice,” but the truth is, you’re trading authenticity for approval. Deep down, people-pleasing has less to do with others and more to do with avoiding your own emotional discomfort.

From a trauma-informed lens, when it comes to “fight or flight”, people-pleasing the classically forgotten “fawn” reaction. Fawning is a survival response where you appease others to avoid conflict, abandonment, or harm. Sometimes your body reacts to someone’s disappointment the same way it would to an actual threat. It feels safer to self-abandon than to risk rejection.

Here’s the truth no one talks about enough: they’ll be okay if you say no. People are far more adaptable and emotionally resilient than you give them credit for. You are not their emotional safety net. Your worth does not depend on your ability to accommodate. When you say no, what you’re actually doing is being honest…. and maybe we hsould start thinking of honesty as a form of respect, not rejection.

Saying no will always feel good feel like a challenge for some (me), but that emotional discomfort is not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign you’re doing something new. Breaking a lifelong habit will never feel neutral at first. Growth rarely does!!

Instead of being a people pleaser and defaulting to yes, start pausing to ask yourself a few key questions:

• Am I doing this out of guilt or genuine desire?
• Would I still say yes if I knew they wouldn’t be upset?
• Am I creating a story about what will happen if I say no, or will that really happen?

Saying no is an emotional workout. You need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort that comes with self-honoring decisions. And just like strength training, the more you do it, the more resilience you build.

Here are some grounded ways to say no without apologizing for your boundaries:

• “I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I need to pass.”
• “I’m not available for that right now.”
• “Honestly, I don’t have the capacity to show up for this fully.”

When you stop people-pleasing, you stop performing for others and start living in alignment with your actual values. Commit to this mindset, and you’ll gain:

• Peace of mind: No more commitments that you dread when the time comes.
• Self-trust: Start believing that your needs matter.
• Real relationships: Learn who accepts you as you are, not just who you pretend to be.

What matters most is knowing that you don’t abandon yourself just to “keep the peace”. Start today.